just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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