I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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