His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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