Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
