Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Drunk is a universal language darling
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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