there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
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