Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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