We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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