if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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