You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
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