Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
