Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
