I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
