Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You took a bar mat shot.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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