The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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