yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize