I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
