Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize