I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
