Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize