drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
