And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
