My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize