OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize