farters have to be the big spoon...
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
