apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
