After last night, I could never be a politician.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I didn't notice because vodka
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
