I'm eating all of the evidence.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
we're making bets on your personal life
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
