Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
