Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
