I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
