I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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