K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
