Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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