Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
