Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
