Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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