He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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