wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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