At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
