I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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