Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Randomize
