Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
