Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
