"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
