i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
