Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
