hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
