So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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