i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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