First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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