your parents love me but you hate me
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
