someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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