Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Quick, to the slutcave!
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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