Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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