I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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