Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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